My Honeymoon

Well I did it. I tied the knot. Left the MGTOW world behind and settled down as a responsible man, full of determination and seriousness. And after a healthy dose of breaking my back as a good provider and new devotee to the Protestant Work Ethic, I will be able to retire in several decades and devote myself full time to my two new hobbies- drinking and being bitter. 

Well, maybe not. Still I did get married to a woman I could easily dominate with my masculinity. One whiff of my armpit and she swoons. I take off my socks and she rushes to wash them and clean my feet. I am master of my household and that’s the way I like it.

The ceremony? I barely remember it. The plan was to elope with a quickie wedding and spend our wad on a decent honeymoon. Then her family comes along and offers to pay for the whole thing: venue, open bar, ritzy meal. I wasn’t going to say no. So my and bride and I subjected ourselves to the tedious formalities and humiliation of the modern wedding:

 A lot of people I didn’t know and would never see again shaking my hand; me stumbling through the vows, saying 'I do' too early, and putting the ring on the wrong finger; people saying “I know you have a registry, but I wanted to get you something special.” And special always seems to translate to a picture frame for our wedding photos (received 10 of them) or a fucking candlestick (received 6 of them).  Lights work in my house, I don’t need any alternate illumination. The registry is there for a reason. It’s what a person actually needs in their household, and carefully balanced so the place isn’t littered with candlesticks.

With the formalities out of the way, my newly minted wife and I could concentrate on the part we were really interested in: The Honeymoon! The time when we could actually have fun. For our trip, we had decided to take a cruise around the Caribbean. Stopping in Costa Maya and Cozumel, Mexico; Belize City, Belize; and Roatan, Honduras. A seven day journey with all of the amenities paid for and a full drink package- meaning all the booze we could slurp.

The Ship

My virginal bride and I took off from Tampa on board the Rhapsody of the Seas, I name that I immediately remembered from an Unsolved Mystery episode back in the day. It was the same vessel where Amy Lynn Bradley went missing. If you remember, there was a scandal because Royal Caribbean (owners of the boat) did nothing to try and find her after she was reported missing, but claimed that they had searched the ship, effectively stalling any real investigation. Rumors as to what had happened to her ran the gamut of her being drunk and falling overboard, to being raped and murdered by crew members, to her being kidnapped and forced into the white slave trade.

Somehow this didn’t stop me from getting on the vessel. My wife had been several cruises without disappearing, while I had never stepped foot on a boat, but remembered that it was mostly females likely to go missing. That’s my “male privilege”. I would be the one forced to track down my wife’s kidnappers like Liam Neeson in Taken.

Once we ran around the various checkpoints and had our passports checked, we installed ourselves in an incredibly small cabin. One thing I learned quickly was that every time we emerged to take in the ship, our room was cleaned, sheets changed, and fresh towels provided. After I slipped the cabin caretaker (or whatever his title is) $5, the towels from then on were folded into elephant shapes. 

Luckily my wife knew just how to play things on board ship. We went around to every bar there was on the first day to find the best bartenders. After comparing notes, we singled out the ones we liked and tipped them. We got the best service ever after that and with our unlimited drinks package, we used their services a lot.

What took me the most to get used to, apart from hangovers from the unlimited booze, was the constant swaying of the boat. Rhapsody of the Seas being one of the smaller vessels in Royal Caribbean's fleet, you could definitely feel the movement of the boat through the water. I found this sensation incredibly soothing. Combine that with decent climate control and a bed (not so decent; one of the worst beds I ever slept in) and it was like being in a giant cradle. It successfully rocked me to sleep, over and over. So much that I was in danger of just sleeping the entire day away. Even when I walked about it was as if I was in a daze. Barely lucid, like a dream.

The entertainment was as good as you might expect on a cruise ship. Song and dance, one dirty comic, weird haphazard shows on the tv, pools, saunas, buffets, a casino, and booze. Most of it was perfect for sitting around and staring at through a drunken lens- which is what you do when you have UNLIMITED alcohol. I know I keep harping on this, but it made a real difference in the trip. We paid $400 each for it, and I’m not sure we got our full money’s worth in booze, but it was so satisfying to not worry about the cost of things. All we did was hand over our ship’s card and BOOM as much as we wanted. That’s what makes it Royal Caribbean better than Carnival. On Carnival they limit you to 15 drinks a day and make you wait five minutes before ordering a second drink. That will not do.

As such I didn’t do much on sea days, except eat and drink. I tried the spa but it was incredibly annoying. The treatments weren’t included in the regular ship price and then they kept trying to upsell me services. Hot rocks, seaweed wraps, and no matter what I got, there was always another higher service to pimp to me. I got so irritated that it ruined the treatment and got me even more stressed out than when I began.

The food? Good and bad. There were three specialty restaurants on the ship: A chop house, an Italian eatery, and a Japanese joint. The last two were fantastic. The chop house- I suppose it would be good, but I now live with a gourmet chef, who knows how to prepare the best tasting steaks I’ve ever had. There were also sit down dinners that were terrible- not enough cooks- all the food was lukewarm at best and hastily thrown together. We never went back after the first night, opting for the buffet every time.

But the ship was not the main point of the honeymoon. We were all about the destinations. And I will discuss them in the next blog.

 For more readings, try books by Rex Hurst.