Friday, May 12, 2017

Another Mother's Day Special: Worst Mothers in History II

            Once again time has swung around to the day where people are falling over themselves to give praise to the baby factories that mass produced them. Once more we have people gibbering on about the sacrifices mothers have to give for the sake of their children, as if abortion and adoption did not exist. Once more we have sickening displays of coke addled celebrities and scumbag politicians squirting crocodile tears over the parts attached to the vaginas that shunted them out.
            As I've done before, I’m here to remind you that not all mothers are cast from the same mold. That they aren’t all dripping fonts of kindness and warmth. That some of them are the worst examples of human beings ever to exist. Enjoy!
Belle Guinness and murdered children
Belle Guinness: Lady Bluebeard. Born Brynhild Paulsdatter Størseth in 1859, she was a Norwegian serial killer that emigrated to the United States, changed her name to Belle, and married Mads Ditlev Anton Sorenson. The pair opened a store, which burned down and the insurance company paid up. Her husband and two children (of four) died shortly afterwards- the doctor thought that it might be strychnine poisoning. Of course they were insured. She married again, to Peter Guinness, and moved to LaPorte, Indiana to start a farm. Peter soon died when a sausage grinder accidently fell on his head. Once again the insurance paid up, but not without some close scrutiny. For awhile Belle quit the insurance fraud. That’s when the suitors started. Belle placed lonely hearts ads in newspapers all across the country proclaiming to be looking for love. What she really wanted was a fast payday. They would write back and forth, Belle flirting with them until she could ascertain that the mark had money, then invite him to her farm. One night at her farm would be their last. An estimated thirty to forty men disappeared, only one got away. Eventually suspicion grew and she decided to make a break. She killed a homeless drifter to use as a substitute for her own body and burned down the farm with her children, now numbering three, sleeping in it. She pinned it on a retarded assistant that she occasionally have sex with. She was never caught.
Mary Ann Cotton: The Dark Angel. Born in the North of English, Mary Ann Cotton was another of those female serial killers that whacked people to collect on their insurance. She made her way through three (of four) husbands, eleven (of thirteen) children, and one lover before getting caught. Everyone around this woman kept dying of gastric bypass illnesses. Now while those were common in her age, her score was well above the average. After each death, and once the insurance paid out, she moved to a new city and started the process all over again. The only one to survive was her third husband who, suspicious of her insistence that he get life insurance, did some digging and discovered she had run up considerable debts, stolen money from his bank account, and was having the children pawn the household goods. He tossed her out quickly after that.  Described as having a “cold reserved demeanor”, she did herself no favors by not demonstrating any emotion in the court room, except after being sentenced to death. Being a woman, she expected to be given the “royal clemency” but her sins were too great. She was hanged at the prison. Apparently her neck did not break, due to the shortness of the rope, and she died due to strangulation.
Megan Huntsman: The Secret Strangler. Now we move to the great Mormon state of Utah. Most women kill their children for gain or sympathy (see Munchausen-by-Proxy syndrome). This one is an oddity however as Huntsman killed six out of seven children (the last being a stillbirth), but did not collect insurance and no one seems to have known that she was pregnant.  Directly after birth, the child was either strangled or suffocated. Wrapping their bodies in a towel or a shirt, Huntsman put them in plastic bags and then packed them inside boxes in the garage of her home Salt Lake City home. While this was going on, her husband and their three daughters were unware that she was pregnant, only stating that at times  her weight “fluctuated”. Police were alerted in early 2014 after her, then estranged, husband discovered them while looking for tools in the garage. The actual fathers of the children were unknown, as her husband had been in prison during some of these pregnancies. When pleading guilty she blamed her murders on a meth and alcohol addiction, an abusive marriage, and personal depression. She was given thirty to life.
Deena Schlosser: The Medicated Murderer. Moving from the meth-heads to the actually insane we have this woman, Deena Schlosser. The day after her third daughter was born she attempted suicide. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features and ordered by Child Protective Services to seek treatment and restrained from being alone with her children. Despite taking anti-psychotic drug, she came to believe that the third child was destined to marry Doyle Davidson, a veterinarian who had become the family's pastor at the Water of Life Church. The day before she attacked the baby, Schlosser told her husband that she wanted to give her to Davidson. Later that day he spanked her with a wooden spoon in front of their children to smack the crazies out of her. In retaliation she hacked the arms off of her 8 month old daughter, while leaving the other two unharmed. At her trail everything from religious frenzy to postpartum psychosis was blamed, but the child was still dead, and she was interned at North Texas State Hospital.  Her husband divorced her to regain custody of the rest of their children. She was released in 2008, after only four years inside, then recommitted in 2010. She was put on outpatient care and spotted in 2012 working as a Walmart greeter.
China Arnold: The Baby Roaster.  In 2005, a career felon, China Arnold, was living with her boyfriend Terrell Talley, and while nursing her newborn twenty eight day baby, the pair got into a drunken argument. Terrell apparently felt that the baby didn’t look anything like him and was too light skinned. He then accused her of cheating on him, which China denied. The argument heated up, both screaming at the other, whereupon China yelled, “Fine you don’t want her, I’ll get rid of her” and shoved the baby into the microwave then turned it on. Analysis of the body suggested that the child was in the machine for longer than two minutes. This raised the baby’s internal temperature to a critical level and she died in the hospital the next day. China was arrested, and tried twice. The first was a mistrial, but was  convicted on the next one. She was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Completely Crappy Toy Commericals from Yesteryear

         First up we have the Swing Wing which was the paraplegic’s answer to the hula hoop. Worn on the head like a beanie, a person swung it round and round their head by jerking their neck. I don’t know why anyone thought this would be fun, it certainly looks more like a chore or punishment. “Be a good boy or I’ll make you use the swing wing for an hour. Then you’ll be sorry.”  Notice the kid in the commercial that tries to walk and use it at the same time, it looks like he has some sort of neurological disorder. This toy appears that it would be better used as a punishment rather than a fun time activity.

            When the Japanese take a property from somewhere else, they always tweak it to bring it more in line with their culture- whether it needs to or not. And when, in 1979, the Toei Company acquired the rights to make a live-action Spiderman TV show they added a few bits for the kids. And what did kids in japan clamor for back then? Giant robots of course! So Spiderman, somehow, got a massive robot to fly about in and pummel things with. It didn’t go entirely to waste in America as several of the robots developed by Toei were recycled into The Shogun Warriors.

            From the good people at Transogram comes a game of strangeness, Monkey’s Uncle. This actually doesn’t look that bad, the smothered eight year old inside of me would’ve leapt right on it. A game that involves screaming, running, tossing things together- I was all about that back then. However how many times can you build a tower with three pegs or make a noise before it gets old? And with all those pieces how long till you lose a few, or all of them, or your retard younger brother shoves one up his nose thus rendering it unclean?
            Well this toy, the Loop-a-Lot, pushes a few buttons. First you have the fake German professor type trying to lure you into his rape van, the two smarmy kids who think they’re oh just so much better than you, and the abused animal zapped into activity by electrodes hidden under its clothing. But putting those aside, I don’t see the appeal of this “game”. You spin the necktie and keep your penny on it. It seems like it would be fun for less time than it took to describe it in this commercial.
Finally we have the Trik Trak. The daredevil simulation plastic stunt car where the pieces don’t fit together- batteries not included. This commercial is so sixties with the poor man’s Phil Silvers in glasses and sweater vest, the buck toothed kid in the Bobby Brady hairdo, and the Batman inspired onomatopoeia title cards when the car slightly knocks over some simulated hollow plastic logs. Another toy that you play with intently for twenty minutes, forget about in the closet for five years, and pull out again only to realize that you’ve lost most of the pieces and the batteries have been cannibalized to run your sister’s transistor radio.