Friday, October 25, 2019

Charles II: Trapped in a Brothel


King Charles II of England had many problem to face after being restored to the throne following the death of Oliver Cromwell: The Great Plague of 1665, the Great Fire of 1666, major conflicts with Parliament, and so on. But he also had a nasty habit of traveling incognito to the brothels of London. One friend of his the Earl of Rochester decided to teach the King a little lesson on the dangers of his nocturnal adventures.  
This account of the tale was recorded by Theophilus Cibber, a well-known poet, playwright, and actor in London. He was also known to exaggeration, so one must take this account with a grain of salt.
 
[Rochester] agreed to go out one night with him to visit a celebrated house of intrigue, where he told his majesty the finest women in England were to be found. The King [didn’t hesitate] to assume his usual disguise and accompany him, and while he was engaged with one of the ladies of pleasure, being before instructed by Rochester how to behave, she pick’d his pocket of all his money and watch, which the king did not immediately miss. Neither she nor the people of the house were made acquainted with the quality of their visitor, nor had the least suspicion of who he was.
When the intrigue was ended, the King enquired for Rochester but was told he had quitted the house, without taking leave. But into what embarrassment was he thrown when upon searching his pockets, in order to discharge the reckoning, he found his money gone; he was then reduced to ask the jezebel to give him credit until tomorrow, as the gentlemen who came with him had not returned, who was to have pay’d for both. The consequence of this request was, he was abused, laughed at; and the old woman told him, that she had often been served such dirty tricks, and would not permit him to stir till the reckoning was paid, and then called one of her bullies to take care of him.

Theophilus Cibber

 
In this ridiculous distress stood the British monarch, the prisoner of a bawd, and the life upon whom the nation’s hopes were fixed, put in the power of a ruffian. After many altercations the King at last proposed that she should accept a ring which he took off his finger, in pledge for her money, which she likewise refused, and told him that she was no judge of the value of the ring, she did not choose to accept such a pledge. The King then desired that a jeweler might be called to give his opinion on the value of it but he was answered that the expedient was impractical as no jeweler could then be supposed to be out of bed. After much entreaty, his Majesty at last prevailed upon the fellow to knock up a jeweler and show him the ring, which as soon as he had inspected, he stood amazed and enquired, which eyes fixed upon the fellow: who he had got in his house? To which [the man] answered,
“A black looking ugly son of whore who had no money in his pocket and was obliged to pawn his ring.”
“The ring,” says the jeweler, “is so immensely rich that but one man in the nation could afford to wear it; and that one is the King.”
Charles II
            The jeweler being astonished at this incident, went out with the bully, in order to be fully satisfied of so extraordinary an affair; and as soon as he entered the room, he fell on his knees, and with the utmost respect presented the ring to his Majesty. The old jezebel and the bully finding the extraordinary quality of their guest were now confounded and asked pardon most submissively on their knees. The King in his best natured manner forgave them, and laughing asked them whether the ring would bear another bottle.
Thus ended this adventure, in which the King learned how dangerous it was to risk his person in night frolics.
-Theophilus Cibber
 For more readings, try books by Rex Hurst. 

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Sneak Peak- Jaloon: Assassin's Cape

 

Now Available on Amazon in print and ebook. 



The Phentari assassin chuckled. Stupid alien. Falling for such a simple trick. Her dependence on gadgets would be her undoing. After gaining the target’s data number from the planet’s hypernet’s central directory, he had sent Jaloon a call using a fol probe. It registered as a familiar number on their datapad, then attached a virus to the device after it was answered. This allowed him to track her all over the city, the whole system if needed. 

His father had sold him the device and, until now, the assassin thought he had been ripped off. Surely no one could be so naive as to not have system protections built into their personal devices. Protection against the invisible eye and the lords-above-who-would-eat-you was one of the primal traits pounded into him as a child. But his father assured him that these lesser species, even ones that the Phentari people were friendly with, like the Orions, were incredibly lax and stupid. It was simply one more sign of how the Phentari were destined to dominate the other races in the Alliance. 

Even as the target zipped around the underground transport system, the probe perfectly followed her across the city. He patted his hidden rifle, carefully stored in false items about his person. This was easy. Track her until she stopped. Wait for an opportunity. Pull trigger. Reap the rewards. 
 


***

Jimune ran The Gizzemn- which was an insect on the Orion homeworld often ground up and injected into female genitalia as an aphrodisiac. It was also Orion slang for a digital whorehouse. If one supplied an image and voice pattern, maybe some raw footage of a person moving, they could have their fantasy molded for a reasonable fee. 

A reusable polydropaline blob was dropped over a wire skeleton and shaped with digital guidance by lasers and micro-scalpels into as perfect a copy as could be. A modulator that mimicked voices was installed with an operator talking dirty on the other end, feeding the client’s experience.  It felt and looked real, unless you expected the simulation to move, then you were disappointed. 

It wasn’t always used for sex. If your boss was giving you trouble, you could recreate the bastard and beat him up. Decapitate that pesky neighbor. Rip the tongue out of that lying politician. Or gun down that one guy who took your parking space. The only limit was your perverted imagination.  

Jaloon was called in because the run-off from the polydropaline was quite sticky and, if not properly maintained, could build up and clog the nozzles. Lo and behold, her cheap cousin didn’t schedule regular maintenance and things became fouled up during a session with  a borough president’s aide when the thing melted on the woman. Threats were made. Permits might be pulled. Hence, the emergency call from Jimune to his cousin. 

She crawled into the filthy works and shot suction probes down the gunked up lines, using a forced vacuum to get the stuff moving. All the while Jimune loitered around, trying to make small talk as if they had a healthy relationship. 

“Are you going to that Gullges Day party over at Uncle Poy’s place?”

“No,” Jaloon said, very annoyed and equally dirty. A lot of sticky fluid was leaking all over her. “Last time I talked to him, he got me and his son mixed up in a smuggling deal with gangsters that nearly sent us crashing into the side of a planet on a dead ship.” 

“Yeah well, he didn’t know that was how things would play out.” 

 “Besides no one celebrates that here. That’s from the old planet, Taos. I’d have to take an unpaid day off work and I can’t afford it right now.” 

“Take a sick day.” 

“I’ve used them all for the year and all my vacation time too.” 

“Then claim some religious shit. A feast day for a dead guy like the Heyzeusians do.” 

“Company clamped down on that. Any religious functions have to come out of personal leave days.” 

“Isn’t that illegal?” 

“Not if they do it to every religion uniformly.  No discrimination, everyone gets screwed.” She pulled herself from inside the machine and rubbed filthy hands on already filthy overalls. “Looks like we’re all set.”

He lead her to the front waiting room, a small affair with a few gelatinous contour chairs and a virtual receptionist. They touched credit sticks and the money was exchanged. 

“You got everything?” he asked.

She checked her overall pockets. “Yeah, I think…”

Crack. Tinkle. 

A small hole popped into the storefront flexglass window. Odd. She stuck her lower thumb in it. Perfectly round. Jimune shuffled behind her. Something splattered on the floor. She turned. 

Her cousin had a corresponding hole in the center of his throat. Blood pumped out of it in spurts. Confusion wracked his face. He teetered, then fell face first on the floor.


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Now Available on Amazon in print and ebook.