Friday, January 9, 2015

Brave New Word


            We, as a species, detest a vacuum of words and will fill in any gaps that we detect in our language. I am proposing we add a new word to the English language to describe a vile type of individual plaguing our streets. The Finnish already have this word, and I am suggesting we co-opt it or its translation. We call them Grammar Nazis, but the Finns use Pilkunnussija- or “comma fuckers”- which adds a much needed new level of contempt to this breed.
            We all know the type. They are constantly running behind us, telling us that everything we say or write is wrong, often in smug tone. They use their knowledge like a club, demonstrating that they probably didn’t lose their virginity until their late twenties- if then. And we see that while content to shit on everyone else’s work, they are incapable of creating any of their own, the seat of the armchair quarterback being much more comfortable.
            The problem with these grammarists, or grammarions, or grammarionettes is that they did not create the language. They merely catalogue what everyone else was already doing, then tried to freeze dry it for all time. Good luck with that!
            Language is a living breathing force. It expands and evolves to the needs of people. The Comma Fuckers want to bully us, to control our thoughts, to hammer us into accepting them as superior. But we will not be bullied! We will not be taken in!
            Sure the Grammar Fascists will have their brief little victories (which is all they want since they are small minded people), but all one needs to do after being corrected, is ignore the fool and talk however we want. Thus robbing him of whatever miniscule power he was craving.
            If they need to fondle the desiccated husk of a language, then let them learn some extinct tongue like Latin or Gafat or Sanskrit or Norse. Then they’d have a legitimate reason to get pissy, since the damn things aren't going anywhere. But I guess that’s not the point of why they do it.
            The language needs to grow. That’s what these Grammar Idiots don’t understand. Because no language is perfect, far from it. Let’s take an example from the English language here, American dialect. I can’t speak for other languages, but I’m sure they’re all terrible and full of holes as well. The most grievous deficiency in American English is the lack of a universal word for 2nd person plural. We have the singular version “you.” Any Grammar Taxidermist will tell you that the plural does not exist.
            Why not? French has it, vous. Spanish has it, ustedes or vostros.  German has it, ihr. What’s so special about us? Chinese has it. Tibetan has it. The Bushmen of the Kalahari have it, click-click. But not English, why do we not have it?
            Answer: We do! There has always been a word for second person plural in American English. In the North it is youse or yous depending on your spelling preference. Towards the South people say y’all. Second person plural in common use among the masses. Yet still these words are considered bad English. The Comma Fuckers refuse to acknowledge them. Why? Because these people aren’t good at actual critical thinking, they are just adept at regurgitating the work of others. No one else told them it was okay to use these terms, so they must be wrong.
            But these words are facts. They exist! Bury your head in the sand all you want, it won’t alter a single syllable. It’s the ain’t debacle all over again. Throughout my youth I had been proselytized to on the evils of ain’t. One of my elementary teachers had exclaimed. “Ain’t isn’t a word, and you ain’t gonna use it.” There were lectures and condemnations and cold eyed glances riddled with disappointment whenever we uttered the dreadful word.
          Then one starry night, like a bolt out of the blue, the Lords of Grammar caved and bent the knee to the will of the people. Ain’t, so long despised as a bastard child, was legitimized. Its name officially placed in the holy books, the Dictionary.
          So rejoice youse and y’all. Rejoice and scream your words loudly. For in time, you will be validated. Remember that the true English language reflects you, not them.